Pregnant with the Future

A college class were told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. Their instructions mandated that the story had to contain the following three elements:

(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class…

“Good God, I’m pregnant; I wonder who did it?”

I’m feeling extraordinarily lazy today… even for an old, fat guy. I think my alarm ringing 4:30am has something to do with it. So, please forgive me for not thinking too much in today’s post! Thanks!
My friend Kevin (aka DJBone) sent me that story in email today… it was too good not to share it! Today was pretty good, for a Monday. Spent about six hours in a car, and the rest in a meeting. Came home to find that my neighbor, Connie, had given me five day-lilly plants - a nice surprise. I hope I didn’t kill ‘em shoving them into the dirt! (She says you can’t kill ‘em, so I’m cautiously optimistic.)
And, no, Aafke… they’re not as beautiful as the tulips in Holland!

“I’ve got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are ‘hello,’ ‘goodbye,’ and ‘I’m pregnant’.” - Dean Martin

“It is said that the present is pregnant with the future.” - Voltaire
(And we know whose baby it is, too… think about it.)

Something to Think About

1. THE COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

ON COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

ON THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq, why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and we’re not using it anymore.

ON THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery‘, and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie‘ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians — it creates a hostile work environment!

Ain’t it the truth…

And, to all you mothers out there in cyberspace - Happy Mother’s Day!

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” - Cynde Tennant

Another Comforting Thought

As I touched on piss last weekend… LOL! Sorry, couldn’t resist. There’s just one more comforting thought I had to share. You know, truly, there are very few things in this mortal world that brings more heartfelt relief than a good piss. I’m tellin’ ya, a good piss is just freakin’ hard to beat… and yet, when you look up and see the sign in the photo informing you that pissing without any water to rinse it down the urinal “improves restroom hygiene”… well, let’s just say that it’ll give you pause. And I don’t have to emphasize how detrimental ‘pause’ is while in the middle of a good, well deserved, bladder flushing piss! This idea of a water-less pisser being more hygienic than the standard “let me flush that piss away” urine trough… well, it just gets past me.
But, on the bright side, if it’s more hygienic to piss without water, then it’s got to be perfectly sane to zip up and stride confidently out of the men’s room without washing your hands! And think of all the time that will save - not to mention the trees that won’t have to be slaughtered to make paper towels for me to dry my freshly rinsed, formerly penis stained fingers! Yes, indeed! Let the golden showers rain down, the droplets falling where they may! It’s OK! No flushing required!

And that’s my sarcastic, yet serious, commentary on the stupidity of mankind for today.

“I don’t know of any special properties that are found in urine. It doesn’t contain something magical.” - Paul Hazen (What a genius…)

Stimulation?

As you may have heard, the Administration said each of us would get a ‘rebate check’ to stimulate the economy. Well, I haven’t received my ‘rebate check’ yet… but I have done a bit of pondering on what I would do with that small portion of my money, if the government does, indeed, give it back to me. I’m supposed to stimulate the economy, right? Let me think…

If I spend that money at WalMart, all the money will go to China.
If I spend it on gasoline it will go to the OPEC nations.
If I purchase a new computer it will go to India.
If I purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If I purchase a good car it will go to Japan or Mexico.
If I purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan… and none of it will help the American economy!
We need to keep that money here in America! So… what to do?

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at garage sales, since those are the only American businesses still in the country! So, check the local papers this weekend and save your country’s economy by buying your neighbor’s junk!

“President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications.” - Tina Fey

The Art of Distraction

And, yes… it is an art. Sad, but true. Check out “How Do We Get Distracted?” to learn more.

“America is addicted to wars of distraction.” - Barbara Ehrenreich

“How fortunate for leaders that men do not think.” - Adolf Hitler

The Little Shadow

While sometimes my trips around the state aren’t always pleasant, I do always love the scenery (as you can no doubt tell by many of my photographs). You know, driving with the windows down, some good music on the radio, the smell of freshly mowed hayfields mingling with the sounds of the birds settling in for an evenings rest. And the sky slowly fills with colors, as the little shadows begin to creep further and further across the fields. It’s really a beautiful thing to watch - we just seldom take the time for such simplicities anymore. We’re too busy doing all of our “important” stuff. Yeah, right.
Check out some of what Linda Marks, founder of the Institute for Emotional- Kinesthetic Psychotherapy, has to say about it:

People seem to be working longer and harder. Their jobs are more and more demanding, and the pressure to do more and more seems to be increasing infinitely. At the end of the day people are spent from working hard, so the evening is about grabbing a bite to eat, vegging in front of the television, and going to sleep only to awake the next morning to do it all over again… How did this way of life come to be? What happened to the early 20th century dream of the 20-hour work week? When did work change from something we did to meet our physical needs so that our primary focus was on truly human pursuits (raising children, spiritual practice, creative arts and community building) to an all-encompassing, yet unconscious religion?
While it is a common experience, and in some circles a conscious experience that we are working ourselves to death, can we actually change our culture and restore the place of leisure in our lives? While there are subcultures trying to find a way to bring balance into life, including voluntary simplicity, becoming downwardly mobile, self-employment, and at-home-dad parenting, [scholars are] concerned that work has such a hold on our culture that it would take a revolution for leisure to be reinstated.

Historian Benjamin Hunnicutt, Professor of Leisure Studies at the University of Iowa, adds:

Leisure changed from a place where you experienced your humanity to a time to lose your humanity. Rather than a time to be with family and a time to do things important in and of themselves, like community, spiritual and artistic pursuits, leisure became a time to be fully passive. Now, people watch sporting events and consume. Leisure is seen as down time, a time to cease being human rather than a time to be fully human. Today, leisure is as foreign to us as is time outside of the marketplace… The way we spend our days, the way art and music are practiced, entertainment—these and many other things would have to change in fundamental ways. These kinds of changes in history are rare. To challenge the dominant cultural values would be truly revolutionary.

Something to think about, huh. Take a few minutes today to soak in some of those simplicities. In the end, after all is said and done, I think we may find them to be more important than we thought.

“What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.” - Crowfoot quote

“Better a handful with quietness Than both hands full, together with toil and grasping for the wind.” - Ecclesiastes 4:6 (NKJV)

Finding that Peace

This photo just makes me feel peaceful… I’m not sure why, it just does. When I took it, I was wondering if the bird on the fencepost would stay for the shot, or if it would fly away. I guess the bird felt peaceful, too, because he sat there and watched as I clicked off frame after frame. Pretty cool bird… and pretty nice photo, if I may say so myself.
Peace. You know, I pray for it every day - and hope we all can know it… but I wonder how many people actually have it. I’m not talking about peace in the world, among nations - I don’t think that will ever happen of man’s accord, but only when Christ returns - I’m talking about peace within ourselves. Do you have it? I find that sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. I too often find myself worrying about things that really don’t matter. Sometimes I think my mind focuses on those worrisome trivialities just to have something to occupy itself with. My skull is always filled with a thousand thoughts… sometimes keeping me awake at night. Peace. What some of us would give to have it, to know it, to feel it, to rest in it. I know where to find it. I know how to get it. It’s just being willing to let go - to set down the baggage and walk away - that I seem to struggle with. But I’m working on it… and I’ll get there. As I used to teach in my management classes, if you want a positive change in your life, there is only one place to start. Draw a circle around the chair you’re sitting in, and start in the middle.
Sounds pretty easy, huh…

“There can never be peace between nations until there is first known that true peace which . is within the souls of men.” - Black Elk

“Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.” - Mahatma Gandhi

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” - Mother Teresa

Food for Thought

A man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, “Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.”
The Lord led the man to two doors. He open one of the doors and the man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the man’s mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.
The man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, “You have seen Hell.”
They went to the other room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was a large round table with a large pot of stew which made the man’s mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
The man said, “I don’t understand.”
“It is simple,” said the Lord, “and requires but one skill. You see, these have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.”

I chose my photograph of the path at the Sam Houston statue park, because I thought it illustrated my point. We’re all, each one of us, on a path called life. What we do, how we react to each other as fellow human beings along that path, is totally our choice. And a big choice it is, for it’s implications (IMO) are indeed far reaching. Just a little food for thought…
I’m still wrestling with whatever this is that has me sick - but I think I’m winning. Thanks for the prayers and words of encouragement. They’re worth more than gold.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.” - Jesus Christ (Matthew 23:25 NIV)

“There is a sufficiency in the world for man’s need but not for man’s greed.” - Mahatma Gandhi

While I’ve turned off the WordPress ‘related posts’ option, I do think my friend Sprecher’s “Pretend” is a related post worthy of reading. Check it out.

It Seems to Me…

…everything the government seems to get their grimy hands on turns to crap! I amused myself doctoring this photograph of the Texas capital for my blog header, with the intent of reflecting the hell that comes with each legislative session. The bluish ashes of the scorched earth, as the fire and brimstone hovers over the corruption within. With the exclusion of my dear firefly, what happened to honest politicians? Have they all retired? Sometimes it sure seems that way. Working where I do, I get a somewhat front-row seat to the vulgar show of arrogance and greed that permeates the politicians in our current arena of “ideas”… so very few of which actually offer benefit to the less fortunate of constituents, but take good care of those big dollar campaign contributors. Of course, the hog at the trough is always taken care of first. So many hogs, so little time. I have a better understanding of the phrase “political piggy” - even though I believe it was coined by a madman.

On the brighter side, it’s Monday, it rained at the loft all day long (woot!), and I’m sick as a dog. Wow… it just doesn’t get much better than that, now does it.

“I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. Corporations have been enthroned, an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money-power of the country will endeavor to prolong it’s reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed.” - Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States
(Does any of that sound familiar? Did you know Honest Abe was clairvoyant? Isn’t it amazing that nobody listens… and sad, too.)

Milk & Urine

As promised in yesterday’s post… here are some thoughts for the day. No - don’t mix ‘em up… it’s not a new college drinking fad (at least, not that I’m aware of). Just a couple of things I felt like passing on to those of you who happen to read what I write here. So, here we go…

MILK: Just in case any of you shop at Wal-Mart (unlike me), you might want to reconsider buying their milk after reading this. It came to me as a warning via spam e-mail.

Mitzi Lyons and her husband Kyle live in Gainesville, TX. Their daughter, Marissa, has been experiencing menstrual problems (bleeding every day) for three years and, within the last year, she started producing milk (lactating). They have performed every test, put her on birth control and, in January, were scheduled to undergo a hysterectomy.
Nevertheless, Mitzi’s dad started researching his granddaughter’s condition on the internet found out about recombinant bovine somatotropin (RBST) in milk. RBST is a hormone injected into cows to produce more milk. Wal-Mart Great Value milk contains RBST and is the brand that the Lyons family has used for years. Three months ago, they pulled Marissa off Great Value milk and she quit bleeding and lactating.
Her doctors in Houston are going to write a medical journal discovery about her case, because the FDA says that RBST is safe. Mitzi asked me to please share this with everyone in the hope that it may save someone the pain and suffering that Marissa has endured. I have pulled my family from Wal-Mart Great Value milk and bought Borden instead. Borden has a label on their milk that states that RBST is not used on their cows.

Now, personally, I don’t buy anything from Wal-Mart unless it’s absolutely unavoidable. But, also, I don’t drink milk either. However, the validity of the above story is still questionable in my brain. Here’s what Snopes.com has to say about it. They don’t poo-poo it outright, but… well, you make your own call. Wal-Mart is evil. But I can’t say that Borden is any better! Here’s hoping that Marissa is all better now, and enjoying the free lifetime supply of Borden milk her family should’ve gotten for the free publicity. (What are the chances, right?)

URINE: Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test. Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ass, doing drugs, while I work.
Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? I hope you all will share this… something has to change in this country, and soon!

Unlike the milk, I wholeheartedly agree with the urine thoughts! (Never did claim that I was a wholesome kind of guy, now did I?) The idea that some crack-head is kicked back, watching COPS on television, all afforded him/her by the government check they pick up every month, just (pardon the expression in this context) pisses me off! I think every welfare recipient should have to pass a piss test every month before they can pick up their check! I’d bet it would sure thin out the welfare rolls in some areas… and, it would also make the black market price for a cup of clean piss absolutely skyrocket!
Have a wonderful week… and, just to be on the safe side, have a bottle of wine. It’s still good for ya!

“My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.” - W.C. Fields

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” - Rodney Dangerfield

Sorry… couldn’t resist…